Neither.

    said anyt  recognize  guilty about s   it o say. But s. Everyt came into e, somehow lacking.

    ts of to ared at iced tle  seen . it tucked loosely into old faded jeans, sapering doo narroomacan, too, as if side all summer, and ttle ter t.

    ook a deep breath and smiled.

    quot;s good to see you again.quot;  startled   in er sly, o smile.

    quot;You too?quot; ammered.  o iced  s;Its really you, isnt it? I cant believe it.quot;

    S all came toget sometc made  a second.

    S ing for control. S expected to   it to  come ... Yet... Yet t on despite  s fifteen again. Felt as s in years, as if all ill come true.

    Felt as t anotoget  natural t ig real, botting teen years of separation dissolve in t.

    tayed like t for a long time before so look at him.

    Up close, s noticed at first.  tness of yout lines around   been to , more cautious, and yet t.

    ears as tears from the corners of her eyes.

    quot;Are you okay?quot; ions on his face.

    quot;Im sorry, I didnt mean to cry ... quot;

    quot;Its okay,quot; ;I still cant believe its you. ;

    Sepped back, trying to compose  of ears.

    quot;I saory on to come see you again.quot;

    Noa;Im glad you did.quot; epped back just a bit. quot;God, you look fantastic. Youre even prettier no;

    S t like fourteen years ago.

    quot;t, too.quot; And  about it. treated him well.

    quot;So w o? ;

    ions brougo t, making  could  careful. Dont let t out of old  goes on, ts going to be. And s  it to get any harder.

    But God, t, dark eyes. Surned aook a deep breato say it, and ed, . quot;Noa t to see you again, but to it t t.quot; S;I came o tell you.quot;

    quot; is it?quot;

    S ans, surprised t s tell  yet. In t a sinking feeling in omacever it was was bad.

    quot;I dont kno. I t I did at first, but no so sure ...quot;

    ttled by t from under turned at tion, and Allie raction.

    quot;Is ; she asked.

    Noaigomac;Actually its a sines  yea;

    tcretco a bit when she saw her limp away.

    quot; o ; salling for time.

    quot; by a car a fe, called me to see if I ed  anymore. After I sa let  doroy (animals).quot;

    quot;You ,quot; srying to relax. S o;You did a oring it. It looks perfect, just like I kne ;

    urned ion as  talk and w she was holding back.

    quot;ts nice of you. It e a project, t kno again.quot;

    quot;Of course you ; sly  about t t about everyt least sime ago.

    And  t, srangers no ell t fourteen years apart ime. too long.

    quot; is it, Allie?quot; urned to o look, but sinued to stare at the house.

    quot;Im being rat I?quot; srying to smile.

    quot; do you mean?quot;

    quot;t of t kno to say. You must t;

    quot;Youre not crazy,quot; ly.   as tood next to one anot on: quot;Even t kno;

    quot;Like o?quot;

    quot;? I t;

    Sated and looked to  door. quot;Do you need to tell anyone?quot;

    ;No, to tell. Its just me and Clem.quot;

    Even ted t be anyone else, and inside s kno t. But it did make o say a little  would here was someone else.

    tarted tourned on a pat go of  enougance bet t accidentally touch.

    ty still,  eyes, and s it almost seemed as tiful   to raits  desirable. traits like intelligence, confidence, strengt, passion, traits t inspired oto greatness, traits o himself.

    Allie raits, ;A living poemquot;  came to mind o describe o others.

    quot;; so a small grass hill.

    quot;Since last December. I  t t;

    So ions in ;t;

    on. quot;I t you mig out okay.quot;

    quot;Me too,quot; he said.

    quot;Are you glad to be back ;

    quot;Yeas are o be.quot; ;But  you?quot; ion softly, suspecting t.

    It  before s;Im engaged.quot;

    , suddenly feeling just a bit  . ts ell him.

    quot;Congratulations,quot; ;;

    quot;turday. Lon ed a November ;

    quot;Lon?quot;

    quot;Lon ;

    surprised. t poial families in tate. Cotton money. Unlike t of  page of the newspaper.

    quot;Ive  quite a business. Did Lon take over for ;

    S;No, ice doo;

    quot;it be busy.quot;

    quot;.quot;

    one, and t question came automatically. quot;Does reat you ;

    S ans time. t;Yes. ;

    ant   it  ricks on him.

    quot;; sook a couple of steps before answering.

    quot; after I got back.quot;

    quot;Im sorry,quot; sly, knoo Noah.

    . top of topped. tree ance, . Allie could feel ared in t direction.

    quot;A lot of memories t;

    S;I kno ;

    quot;Yes,quot; eering no more.

    quot;Do you ever t it?quot;

    quot;Sometimes,quot; ;Usually  sits on my property no;

    quot;You boug?quot;

    quot;I just couldnt bear to see it turned into kitcs.quot;

    Srangely pleased about t. quot;Do you still read poetry?”

    ;Yeaopped. I guess its in my blood.quot;

    quot;Do you kno Ive ever met.quot;

    quot;Im no poet. I read, but I cant e a verse. Ive tried.quot;

    quot;Youre still a poet, Noaaylor Cal; ened. quot;I still t it a lot. It  time anyone ever read poetry to me before. In fact, its time.quot;

    made bot back and remember as to t passed near the dock.

    As ttle lourned orange, ;So, aying?quot;

    quot;I dont kno long. Maybe until tomorro day.quot;

    quot;Is your fiancé ;

    S;No, ill in Raleig;

    Noa;Does ;

    S;No. I told iques.  understand my coming ;

    Noatle surprised by  o come and visit, but it irely different matter to ruth from her fiancé.

    quot;You didnt o come o tell me you en me instead, or even called.quot;

    quot;I kno for some reason, I o do it in person.quot;

    quot;;

    Sated. quot;I dont kno; srailing off, and t made  as teps. then he asked:

    quot;Allie, do you love ;

    Somatically. quot;Yes, I love ;

    t. But again,  one, as if s to convince opped and gently took  reflected in her eyes as he spoke.

    quot;If youre  try to stop you from going back to  if t of you t isnt sure, t do it. t to ;

    too quickly. quot;Im making t decision, Noa;

    ared for a second, o er a moment ;Im not making t;

    Stle. quot;Its okay. I really cant blame you.quot;

    quot;Im sorry any;

    quot;Dont be. to be sorry. Im tten.quot;

    ;to be , Im still glad you came. Despite everyts good to see you again.quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;Do you t o start over (began again)?”

    S him curiously.

    quot;You  friend I ever ill like to be friends, even if you are engaged, and even if it is just for a couple of days.   kind of get to know eac;

    S about it, t about staying or leaving, and decided t since  , it  not wrong.

    Sly and nodded. quot;Id like t.quot;

    quot;Good.  dinner? I kno serves t crab in to;

    quot;Sounds great. ;

    quot;My raps out all  I ;

    quot;No, t sounds fine.quot;

    ed over ;Great. t t be a couple of minutes.quot;

    Allie ciced tension s o fade. Closing  t breeze fan ook a deep breat for a moment, feeling tared at ty t surrounded her.

    S aroma of autumn leaves rode on t soutrees and tening to ter a moment, surned toranger might.

    God, er all time. Sc er. o pull it, and despite ted ter.  it  and s, letting most of ter escape. After setting trap on t and began to remove to a bucket.

    Sarted oo ts ced te and added ty-nine. Sixty-seven degrees, s as so  kno e, but it felt about right.

    As sten iful everytance.  a couple of lig seemed to be t least tricity. Out side tos, notain. try ill lacked ting.

    Sepped on t creaked under . ty squeeze-box, and Noa back to c size. So t sat on touc, running ure ting in it, fis en, rough feeling.

    Sime   s at times like those.

    quot;It s in their evening harmony.

    So t time in the feeling was gone.

    So kno , to understand, to accept it - s no until s - the carving.

    Noah loves Allie,

    in a . Carved into t.

    A breeze broke tillness and cood t ernately looking do toil sh, as she spoke.

    quot;Its so peaceful ; she said, her voice dreamlike.

    quot;I kno to be close to ter. It makes me feel good.quot;

    quot;I oo, if I ;

    quot;Come on, lets go. toes are getting vicious, and Im starved.quot;

    turned black, and Noaarted to beside him.

    In t a little lig   exactly sure if ses later, Clem greeted t nose in tioned  ail between her legs.

    ed to ;Did you leave anyt you need to get out?quot;

    quot;No, I got in earlier and unpacked already.quot;  to he years had suddenly been undone.

    quot;Good enoug; arted up teps.  t by tochen.

    It e rigs , allo from morning sun. It asteful restoration, not overdone as was common w.

    quot;Do you mind if I look around?quot;

    quot;No, go aill o put t;

    t for a second, and Allie kne inued to c t t little tch again.

    Soured t fees, icing  looked. By time s urned toceen again, and it made  second before going on. Damn, s, get a  youre engaged now.

    anding by ter, a couple of cabinet doors open y grocery bags on tling quietly.  ting a feo one of ts. Sopped a fe from  ter, one leg over t how much he had done.

    quot;Its unbelievable, Noaoration take?quot;

    bag ;Almost a year.quot;

    quot;Did you do it yourself?quot;

    ;No. I al I ed t  it  too muc  of people. But even  ill a lot of  of time I didnt stop until past midnig;

    quot;;

    Gs, ed to say, but didnt. quot;I dont kno ed to finis anyto drink before I start dinner?”

    quot; do you ;

    quot;Not mucea, coffee.quot;

    quot;tea sounds good.quot;

    to a small room off tcurning ea.  a couple of teabags and set tove, teapot. After putting it on t a matco life.

    quot;Itll be just a minute,quot; ;tove s up pretty quick.quot;

    quot;ts fine.quot;

    eapot wled, wo cups and o her.

    Sook a sip, tioned to;Ill bet tciful w s;

    ;It is. I  in on t t reason. Even in tairs.quot;

    quot;Im sure your guests enjoy t. Unless of course t to sleep late.quot;

    quot;Actually, I  s stay over yet. Since my daddy passed on, I dont really knoe.quot;

    By one, s making conversation. Yet for some reason it made o realize  before s, .

    quot;Im going to get to marinate (steep or soak (meat or fises before I steam em,quot; ting er.  to t eamer and lid.  t to ter, t to tove.

    quot;Can I give you a ;

    ;Sure.  cutting up some vegetables for ty in t;

    ioned to t near took anotea before setting er and retrieving t to ts on ttom s of to make room for ood next to inctive - and felt  tle of  sauce, turned to tove.

    Noa in ter, t sauce and some oter stirring ter to make sure t to to get the crabs.

    before going back inside and stared at Allie, c ts. As ,  so make muco him.

    But to o taneous, passionate - as  artists to be. And sely t. Artistic talent like . ings in t  as good as w here.

    Sing before s t summer. It  a picture of o  remely sensual.  it, and en did late in t sroke.

    A dog barked in tance, and Noaanding ime. , turning back to tciced how long hed been gone.

    quot; going?quot;  finished.

    quot;Good. Im almost done ;

    quot;I  I ;

    quot;;

    quot;From a neig;  tarted t and began to rinse ter, tting t one. Allie picked up o ch him.

    quot;Arent you afraid t;

    quot;No. Just grab em like t; rating, and she smiled.

    quot;I forget youve done t;

    quot;Ne it does teaco do t matter.quot;

    S ter, standing close to ied  t on tove. urning to speak to her as he did so.

    quot;You  to sit on tes? Id like to let em soak for a ;

    quot;Sure,quot; she said.

    oget to t as t outside, and  in to y,  inside for a moment and emerged ea and a beer for  took it, sipping again before s it on table beside the chairs.

    quot;You ting out  you?quot;

    able. quot;Yea out . Its a  no;

    quot;I can see  you do t;

    quot;Actually, I dont do anyt  no satisfies my creative urges.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;Morris Goldman.quot;

    quot;Excuse me?quot;

    ;My old boss from up nort of t as I enlisted and died before I got  back to tates, o buy t up.quot;

    S;You alold me youd find a o do it.quot;

    t quietly for a moment, took anotea. quot;Do you remember sneaking over  you first told me about t;

    on:

    quot;I got tle late t evening, and my parents ure my daddy standing in tte, my motaring straig  time my parents kne you, and my motalk er t nigo me, Im sure you t I dont understand  I do. Its just t sometimes, our future is dictated by o . I remember being really  ;

    quot;You told me about it t day. It  my feelings, too. I liked your parents, and I  like me.quot;

    quot;It  t t like you. t t;

    quot;t muc;

    t to feel t ars  o her face.

    quot;I kno. I als ;

    quot; it no;

    quot;t its  it isnt fair. It errible to learn. t status is more important than feelings.

    Noaly at  said nothing.

    quot;Ive t about you ever since t summer, she said.

    quot;You ;

    quot; you t; She seemed genuinely surprised.

    quot;You never ansters.quot;

    quot;You e?”

    quot;Dozens of letters. I e you for t receiving a single reply.quot;

    S;I didnt kno; sly, and  must ters   ion.

    quot;It , Noa try to understand. Once I left, s it o just let it go. Sood  to me, and to be , I dont even knorying to protect my feelings, and s t o do t o ters you sent.quot;

    quot;t  o make,quot; ly.

    quot;I kno;

    quot;ould it  t;

    quot;Of course. I alo.quot;

    quot;No, I mean ?quot;

    It took a moment for o ans;I dont kno eit t;

    S respond, and in to on: quot;But yes, Noa least, Id like to t;

    urned a;s Lon like?quot;

    Sated, not expecting tion. Bringing up Lons name broug feelings of guilt to t s know o answer.

    Sook anotea, and listened as a apped in tance. Sly. quot;Lons  of my friends are insanely jealous. t, and in a lot of ing s. quot;But to be sometions;

    S kne rue nonet  Noaed the answer in advance.

    quot;;

    S;I guess I still look for t summer.quot;

    Noa about ions seen her.

    quot; you?quot; s;Did you ever t us?quot;

    quot;All time. I still do.quot;

    quot;Are you seeing anyone?quot;

    quot;No,quot; he answered, shaking his head.

    Boto t t, trying but finding it impossible to displace from t ied it so quickly.

    quot;Im going to go start ter. Can I get you anyt;

    S to tc teamer and tarcables, coated t some grease into ter turning t on loimer and pulled anoto t about Allie and t heir lives.

    Allie, too,  Noa  a lot of t s engaged but t  Noa t o feel t real love, t to forget   normal for o tc normal to confess tell anyone else? as it normal to come hree weeks from her wedding day?

    quot;No, its not,quot; so o t;t any of t;

    Noa at t moment and s  o t it anymore. quot;Its going to take a fees,quot;  back down.

    quot;ts fine. Im not t .quot;

    ness in ;Im glad you came, Allie,quot; he said.

    quot;Me too. I almost didnt, t;

    quot;;

    I o say, but didnt. quot;Just to see you, to find out o. to see ;

    didnt question furtead .

    quot;By to ask, do you still paint?quot;

    S;Not anymore.quot;

    unned. quot;? You alent.quot;

    quot;I dont kno;

    quot;Sure you do. You stopped for a reason.quot;

    . S; Its a long story.quot;

    quot;Ive got all nig; he answered.

    quot;Did you really talented?quot; sly.

    quot;Cmon,quot; ;I  to s;

    S up and folloopped in front of ted to ting t el. S noticed it earlier, more surprised it ;You kept it?quot;

    quot;Of course I kept it. Its ;

    Sical look, and ;It makes me feel alive . Sometimes I o get up and touc. Its just so real - t it sometimes. Its incredible, Allie - I can stare at it for ;

    quot;Youre serious,quot; she said, shocked.

    quot;As serious as Ive ever been.quot;

    S say anything.

    quot;You mean to tell me no one old you t before?quot;

    quot;My professor did,quot; s;but I guess I didnt believe ;

    inuing. quot;Ive been draing since I  a little older, I began to t it. I enjoyed it, too. I remember ing t summer, adding to it every day, c as our relations even remember  started or ed it to be, but some evolved into to stop painting after I   summer. I t  in college because it o do; I remember spending udio all by myself and enjoying every minute. I loved t  made me feel inside to make sometiful. Just before I graduated, my professor, ic for told me I  of talent. old me I sry my luck as an artist. But I didnt listen to ;

    Sopped ts. quot;My parents didnt t o paint for a living. I just stopped after a ouc;

    Sared at ting.

    quot;Do you t again?quot;

    quot;Im not sure if I can anymore. Its been a long time.quot;

    quot;You can still do it, Allie. I kno t comes from inside you, from your , not from your fingers.  you  ever go as . Youre an artist, Allie.quot;

    ty t s saying it just to be nice. ruly believed in y, and for some reason t meant more to ed. But something even more powerful.

    to close for Allie, ted in o separate ted t consciously, t to to admit.

    But at t moment sill  completely a, and surned to face oucantly, gently, amazed t after all tly w so heir eyes locked, she once again realized how special he was.

    And for just a fleeting moment, a tiny ime t h him again.

    timer  off in tcurned a, strangely affected by o o   stop t old ly cursed timer as o tc burned er, and sa tables and o crackle. ttering to  some butter out of ted a bit more for the crabs.

    Allie o tc. quot;Can I get table ready?quot;

    Noaer. quot;Sure, plates are over tensils and napkins t plenty - crabs can be messy, so ;

    look at   to realize aken about   it to be a mistake.

    Allie, too,  t and feeling . table: plates, place settings, salt and pepper. Noaable, and touched briefly.

    urned tention back to turned tables. ed teamer, saill e, and let turned to small talk, easy conversation. quot;;

    quot;A couple of times. But only in salads.quot;

    ;ture. ; airs for a moment, turned ton-down s.  open for her.

    quot; t  you to stain your dress.quot;

    Allie put it on and smelled t lingered in t - inctive, natural.

    quot;Dont ; ;its clean.quot;

    S;I kno just reminds me of our first real date. You gave me your jacket t nig;

    ;Yea elboo your parents rying to get me to ;

    quot;You didnt, t;

    quot;No,quot; he answered, shaking his head.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;S kno just didnt seem like t to do at time.quot;

    quot;Come to t, you ;

    quot;I prefer t confidence,quot; h a wink, and she smiled.

    tables and crabs  time. quot;Be careful, t,quot; o  across from eac table. tea ill on ter, Allie stood and broug over. After putting some vegetables and bread on tes, Noa for a moment, staring at it.

    quot;It looks like a bug.quot;

    quot;A good bug, t; ; me ss done.quot;

    rated quickly, making it look easy, removing t and putting it on e.

    Allie crusoo  time and time after t, and o use o get t. S clumsy at first,  ake, but ty.  care about t. he never had.

    quot;So, ; s took a second for o answer.

    quot;Fin died in troyer orpedoed in forty-t;

    quot;Im sorry,quot; s;I know ;

    tle deeper no; t time I saed, and o eac a lot of time toget imes I talked o joining. I dont t t I o.quot;

    quot;ts not fair,quot; s up t.

    quot;Youre rig miss ;

    quot;I liked oo. ;

    quot; t.quot;

    S ;;

    quot;I kno it.quot;

    quot; did ;

    Noa;t o figick. t you cantly, t sort of t;

    Sly. quot;Did you believe ;

    quot;Of course,quot; ;;

    quot;You men alick toget; sable, poking  on. quot;So, tell me everyto since I sa.quot;

    tarted to talk t time. Noaalked about leaving Ne  touctle, avoiding most of tails, and told  alked about going to college, painting, and  volunteering at tal. Salked about ies s up anybody ted since t seen eaciced tioned it.

    Afterried to remember t time salked tened  type of man to talk like t comfortable ss and feelings. Sried to explain t so be closer to  it o make a difference.

    But sitting  shed been missing.

    t eit, to regain timacy, ty, they had once shared.

    talking muc c it ting late. tars  in full, ts a little quieter. alking to Allie and oo muc s about  would some could.

    Noa up and refilled teapot. t to table, and er, adding teabags to both.

    quot; t;  for  cold, and soon taken t over ciful, . And inside, he ached.

    For somete simply,  no next to one anot just  topped, and tiny.

    quot;Its been quite a nig; er now.

    quot;Yes, it ; s;a wonderful nig;

    Noaurned to tars, t empty inside. t ed never to end. ell  could  would make ay?

    knoo say not he had failed.

    t rs again, over t. Somewhere were people making love.

    quot;talk to me,quot; sricks?

    quot; s;

    quot;talk like you did to me under tree.quot;

    And ing distant passages, toasting t. man and tennyson and Bro so familiar.

    Sed  t a bit ime   just t did it. It , ter ts. S try to break it do  to, because it  meant to be listened to t ry, s,  ten to be analyzed; it  to inspire  reason, to touc understanding.

    Because of o a fery readings offered by tment ened to different people, different poems, but opped soon after, discouraged t no one inspired rue lovers of poetry should be.

    tea, sitting quietly, drifting in ts.

    t  s t aken its place, tirrings t o sift and so deny t no to stop. It  this way.

    Lon could not evoke t ried before, many times, using everyto guilt, and s sed to  until marriage. ook it  Noah.

    But t made  to , and it o do  al of tention. ork came first, and for ime for poems and ed evenings and rocking on porc of ed . But s  enouged somet, somet conversations in candlelit rooms, or per being second.

    Noaoo, ing ts. to  special times  all in detail, t again. Everytric to him, charged.

    Noting beside .  moonlig separate for far too long ...

    o tars and remembered ty nig since t seen eac all to t impossible to press ted to make love to o urn. It he world.

    But  could never be. No she was engaged.

    Allie knely, didnt care really, just kne  was enough.

    S about tion at dinner and  loneliness. For some reason s picture ry to someone else or even s seem type. Eit, or s  to believe it.

    S doea, through her hair, closing her eyes as she did so.

    quot;Are you tired?quot; s.

    quot;A little. I ses.quot;

    quot;I kno; one neutral. S get up rigead s sea, feeling it warm .

    Sook trees, temperature dropping.

    S Noa. t  all.  mentioned it and s asked, mostly because s  to imagine .

    quot;I s; s back to him.

    Noaood  a o . Sarted to take off t  opped her.

    quot;Keep it,quot; ;I  you to .quot;

    S ask o keep it, too. Sed it and crossed ero ood tanding on  porcer a ing for a kiss.

    quot;I  time tonig; ;t;

    quot;I did, too,quot; she answered.

    ;ill I see you tomorro;

    A simple question. S ted to keep ;I dont t;  hing.

    ted eased  s? S kno as so find t all came clear. quot;Id like t.quot;

    Noa expected o ansed to touco take  . quot;Can you be  noon?quot;

    quot;Sure.  do you  to do?quot;

    quot;Youll see,quot; ;I kno to go.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;No, but its a special place.quot;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Its a surprise.quot;

    quot;ill I like it?quot;

    quot;Youll love it,quot; he said.

    Surned aempt a kiss. S kno kne if ime stopping   rig tarted t a bit.

    quot;See you tomorro; sing t.

    Noa. Surned it around, toos vanisrees and the engine noise was gone.

    Clem o ted doo pet tention to c s reacer  time, turned to the back porch side by side.

    in time alone, trying once again to fat  passed. t it. Replaying it. Seeing it again.  again. Running it by in sloion.  feel like playing ar no feel like reading. Didnt know w .

    quot;S;  for   notle activity except for Clem, ;Are you all rig;

    And sometime after midnig clear October evening, it all rus looked like an old man, someone  a couple of  over in ears in  knoop them.

    Phone calls

    Lon he phone.

    seven, t eigy, and now cy-five. here was she?

    o t seen o dinner, . No,  seen her since.

    Lon s one in t. But t rial, even if trial y to catc interruption.

    ered t no of it came from being able to select tise to win.  level in ice.

    Only a select fey  kind of stature, and ed t. But tant part of tention to details, especially tle t  noter of laation,  in udy, and it .

    And notle detail bot about t   Allie. But damn,  put .  t least   sometime after tle detail.

    Detail. Somet? Sometant?

    t ?  . . But ?   started, and ion again. No, not of the ordinary.

    But t , he was sure now.

    rip  all.

    about . Not only y and best friend as er a  o  t moments, and  w o hear.

    But more t,  after t a feimes, o  o all   ready for a steady relations;Fine.quot; But on  turned and said: quot;But your problem isnt me, or your job, or your freedom, or  is. Your problem is t youre alone. Your fato  makes you empty inside, and youre looking for someone  no one can do t but you.quot;

    tayed  nigrue ter some persistence, santly agreed.

    In ted, sed, and ime  practicing laing ood, but still,  making time. Once en ary co make sure  overextending himself ...